Transcript of My Interview with Vice President Richard Cheney

Churchill’s Parrot: Vice President Cheney, it’s an honor and a privilege.

Vice President Cheney: The honor and a privilege are all mine, Charlie.

CP: Yes, of course.

VP: Heh, heh, Well Charlie, I don’t have to tell you, the Churchillian spirit is sadly lacking in a near 50% of the American population. And … well let’s not even talk about England.

CP: Thank you.

VP: Your work here Charlie – placing current events in the context of history and evoking the spirit and words of Sir Winston - helps greatly in our efforts to make people fully aware of the real threat we face and the heroism of those facing it.

CP: I should like that you give Bushie a right good dose of the Churchillian spirit. His seems to be waning a bit of late.

VP: Well he does his best. It’s not like he’s getting any help from the media or anybody else.

CP: Precisely why he should stop with the new-tone-nice-guy bit and have at it. He’s becoming his own father. Dreadful.

VP: Well you’ve got a point there. George H.W. Bush was a gentleman to the point of political suicide. George W. is tending in the same direction. But in order to really lay out what’s going on he’d have to trash Clinton for wanking-off on foreign policy for eight years and detail some of the blunders of his own father’s administration. It’s just not in him.

CP: You were a part of that first Bush administration.

VP: Yes I was. And with the gift of hindsight, I’ve seen the errors we made – should have finished off Saddam, maybe went too far with the military cuts - and often told myself, if I had a second chance, I’d do some things differently. Well I’ve got that second chance now. And this time, I’m kind of the Administration’s crazy old Grandpa who’s too old to care what people think about him anymore and says whatever he feels like. They just send me out when it’s time to tell it like it is and I say what needs to be said. Everybody hates me. Do I care? Hell I’m not running for re-election, every day my heart’s still beating is a gift from God and medical technology, I’m worth millions, got a hot wife … what the hell do I care?

CP: And now it’s the DNC’s Lovable Elfin Donkey-Boy who’s gunning for you, eh?

VP: Stephanopoulos?

CP: No, Kucinich.

VP: Oh yeah, yeah (chuckles). Funny little fella isn’t he? We have a name for him around the White House; we call him, “Dennis the Menace.”

CP: That’s most humorous, Mr. Vice President.

VP: Please, Charlie, call me Dick.

CP: I’m afraid I can’t do that. Are you concerned at all about this effort to have you impeached?

VP: No.

CP: Would you care to elaborate on that at all, Mr. Vice President?

VP: Sure. It’s a joke. He’s a joke. The people supporting him and this effort are jokers, and even if they had an iota of a case – which they do not – I’d be long out of office by the time they got around to actually doing anything about it anyway.

CP: Very well then. In his remarkably substance-free letter, the DNC’s Lovable Elfin Donkey-Boy writes “This week I intend to introduce Articles of Impeachment with respect to the conduct of Vice President Cheney.” To what conduct do you believe he is referring?

VP: Iraq.

CP: Again, Mr. Vice President, a bit more elaboration might be conducive to the interview process at present.

VP: Well this guy’s at the leading edge of the “Iraqnophobia” infecting the Left.

CP: Is that another one you bandy about the White House?

VP: “Iraqnophobia?” No I picked that up from some blog somewhere. Anyway, I mean this guy’s even going after Hillary, Barrack, and John Boy Edwards on this. And right now he’s in a position to do far more damage to them then he could ever do to me. I mean, talk about a Weapon of Mass Destruction, did you see what he did to Cleveland?

CP: I’m afraid I don’t exactly follow his logic. What does Iraq have to do with your “conduct?”

VP: Well of course he believes we made the whole thing up and thus wrongly led the country into war. And I’ll give the little fella credit, he’s one of the few liberals in office who has at least been consistent in his rhetoric. He refuted every paragraph of the resolution to authorize the war back in 2002, effectively writing the script for the Left’s anti-war street theater we’ve been enduring for past five years. I invite everyone to read his “in-depth analysis” and ask, would you by a geodesic dome from this moon-bat?

CP: We’ll get back to some of the “reasoning” Donkey-Boy exhibits in his analysis in a moment, but I must ask, why go after you – the Vice President – when it is the President who was and is responsible for all decisions to go to war?

VP: Well first of all Charlie, he’s a liberal and as you know liberals share a profound lack of understanding of the United States’ Constitution, the principles and ideals upon which the Nation was founded, and how our government works. But they do know politics. Politically the only rationale I can put to it is that I’m an easier hit then the President. Besides who else is left? Hell they’ve already taken out or are in the process of taking out every man woman and child in or in support of the Bush Administration: Scooter, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Gonzales, Rove-ever-after, Trent Lott... Victor Davis Hanson had a great piece on all this the other day.

CP: All payback for Iraq concludes Mr. Hanson?

VP: No question about it.

CP: So you didn’t just make the whole Iraq thing up?

VP: No.

CP: Once again sir I must ask that…

VP: Oh sorry. Elaborate. Got it. First thing about that argument Charlie that has never been answered by the liberals is - why would we make it all up and start a war we didn’t feel was necessary for the security of the United States and her interests?

CP: I believe the party line is, “to further enrich yourselves and your cronies in the oil business.”

VP: Right. First of all, did you see my tax return? I don’t WANT any more income thank you! Secondly, that is about the deepest insult you can possibly level at men in the positions the President and I currently hold. If you are going to say such things, you damn well better have a lot of rock hard evidence to back it up. They have nothing, but say this kind of rot every day and no one challenges them on it. And yet I get in trouble when I say that The Speaker is being “irresponsible” for taking U.S. foreign policy into her own hands.

CP: Splendid. This brings us very tidily back to Donkey-Boy’s resolution refutation. As far as evidence of your being the most evil creature to ever lurk the planet, I believe the Lefties would cite, “Oil prices going through the roof.” “There were no weapons of mass destruction.” “There were no connections between Al Qaeda and Iraq.” “There was no connection between Iraq and 9-11.”

VP: Great. Let’s take those one at a time, shall we? Oil prices. Oil prices have fluctuated massively on the international market for as long as there has been an international market for oil. With the present ascendance of China, India, and parts of Africa, that market is expanding rapidly. Demand is outpacing supply. Prices go up. Add to that the crackpot antics of Ahmadinejad in Iran and Chavez in Venezuela making the market nervous, and prices go up further. This is middle school level economics – something else liberals know nothing about.

If the President and I were –as the liberals portray us to be - evil conniving money-crazed miscreants who think nothing of putting hundreds of thousands of lives in harms way just so we could add a few million to our bank accounts; there are a number of far easier ways for us to go about doing so. Drilling our own untapped oil for starters. The U.S. Minerals Management Service estimates there are 102 billion barrels of oil and 635 trillion cubic feet of gas beneath U.S. federal lands and coastal waters. Geologists estimate another 300 trillion cubic feet of gas and 50 billion barrels of oil are waiting, yet to be discovered, off the lower 48 states. The American Petroleum Institute notes that this is enough oil to replace current imports from the Persian Gulf for 59 years.

Does anyone seriously believe we would go through all the crap we are as politicians or even as villainous businessmen, if all we really had to do to get more oil was knock off the EPA and a few tree huggers?

CP: Next, “There are no Weapons of Mass Destruction?

VP: Charlie, less then a year ago a declassified summary of a report from the National Ground Intelligence Center reported that since 2003, Coalition forces in Iraq had recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contain degraded mustard or sarin nerve agent.

On October 2, 2003 U.S. personnel discovered a vial of live C botulinum Okra B hidden in the home of an Iraqi biological weapons researcher. According to former weapons inspector David Kay a biological agent can be produced from these materials.

In January 2004, according to a New York Sun editorial published that June 1, a 7-pound block of cyanide salt popped up in Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s Baghdad safe house.

On May 2, 2004, U.S. forces in Iraq found a mustard-gas shell, rigged as an Improvised Explosive Device. Perhaps one of the 550 mustard-gas projectiles Hussein failed to account for under U.N. Resolutions?

On May 15, 2004 The Iraqi Survey Group confirmed that a 155-millimeter artillery round containing three to four liters of sarin nerve agent had been found and reworked as an IED. Two soldiers exposed to the device displayed ‘classic’ symptoms of sarin exposure, most notably dilated pupils and nausea.

On June 24, 2004 weapons sleuth Charles Duelfer told Fox News: “We found, you know, 10 or 12 sarin and mustard rounds.”
On July 6, 2004 the U.S. Department of Energy announced that a joint effort with the Pentagon removed 1.77 metric tons of low-enriched uranium from Iraq that could potentially be used in a radiological dispersal device or diverted to support a nuclear weapons program. Those 3,894 pounds of uranium by the way were in powdered form, which is easily dispersed, ideal for a radioactive dirty bomb.

On November 3, 2006 the New York Times inadvertently reported that Saddam Hussein's Iraq had a nuclear weapons program.

There is considerable evidence that there was, in fact, an Iraq-Niger yellowcake nexus, despite Joe Wilson’s best attempts to muddle his own original testimony and the findings of British Intelligence.

And there remain voluminous supplies of WMD catalogued by U.N. inspectors throughout the 1990’s which no one seems to be able to find at present. So instead of playing games and pointing fingers, we all ought to be screaming, “WHERE ARE THEY!” Remember, in terms of chemical or biological weapons, just a small portion is enough to kill hundreds, perhaps thousands of people. Don’t tell me there are no weapons of mass destruction!

CP: Excellent. Moving on down the list Lefty diatribes, “There was no link between Saddam and Al Qaeda.” A fire you stoked recently on the Rush Limbaugh program.

VP: Yeah and the reaction has been great hasn’t it? Here we have another case of incessant and loud denial trumping significant amounts of evidence. I still stand by the excellent outlay of the case put together by Stephen F. Hayes in the Weekly Standard. The liberals say it’s all lies. But I’m sorry, I’m going to have to see some real hard counter-evidence to any one of these to change my mind on this. I believe to do otherwise would be hugely irresponsible. There’s another great compendium of the work done on all this by former U.S. Marine infantry leader and counterterrorism instructor W. Thomas Smith Jr. And then, of course, there’s Free Republic’s famous collection of the hundreds of articles from around the world about documented and suspected connections between Iraq and Al Qaeda. And recently, the American Thinker ran a piece by Ray Robinson citing even more hard evidence in regards to the connection.

And to tell you the truth, the recent reporting on the declassified Pentagon report that allegedly trumps everything I or anyone else has ever said regarding this matter makes our case perhaps best of all. Let me read from The Washington Post,

“Zarqawi, whom Cheney depicted yesterday as an agent of al-Qaeda in Iraq before the war, was not then an al-Qaeda member but was the leader of an unaffiliated terrorist group who occasionally associated with al-Qaeda adherents, according to several intelligence analysts. He publicly allied himself with al-Qaeda in early 2004, after the U.S. invasion.”

To which my answer is, “What?” So because Zarqawi was wearing a different Death to Israel-Death to America Jihadi uniform– as if they wore uniforms - we’re not to be concerned about his dealings in Iraq? C’MON! And even better is this,

“The declassified version of the report, by acting Inspector General Thomas F. Gimble, also contains new details about the intelligence community's prewar consensus that the Iraqi government and al-Qaeda figures had only limited contacts.”

Limited contacts? This is like "ONLY a few WMD!" Are these people so clueless as to actually not comprehend that even ONE contact is too many? That even ONE contact poses a significant threat to the safety and security of the American people?!! That any administration not taking swift and decisive action to address this threat head on would be guilty of significant dereliction of duty – A TRULY IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE! ARE YOU HEARING THIS KUCINICH? YOU PIN-HEADED, BEEDY-EYED, SNEERING LITTLE PIECE OF…

CP: Mr. Vice President, please! Your heart. It’s all right. Calm down. Manilla, a Bombay and Tonic for the Vice President, stat!

VP: I’m sorry Charlie.

CP: It’s all right sir. I understand entirely. We’ll stop it there. You still have nineteen months left in office. I for one would like to have you see them through.

VP: Thank you Charlie. You’re very kind. Where are my damn pills?