Feb 3, 2007

Transcript of my interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

Churchill's Parrot (CP): President Ahmadinejad,  how do you respond to charges that you are a wild-eyed, suicidal, Islamaniac, nutwhistle?

Ahmadinejad (A): I am not aware of any one referring to me in this way.

CP: Well I just did.

A: Then I would say you are wrong.

CP: Right.  So the Holocaust never happened?

A: It is a fiction manufactured by Zionist sympathizers.

CP: Then I was right.

A: About what?

CP: You are a wild-eyed, suicidal, Islamaniac, nutwhistle. President Ahmadinejad - may I call you Ahmad?

A: No.

CP: May I call you, "Mahma?"

A: No.

CP: May I call you "late for dinejad?"

A: Who is this bird and why did I agree to be interviewed by it?

CP: Oh lighten up you (EXPLETIVE) crackpot, I haven't even gotten started yet.  So tell me, do things taste salty to you?

A: I don't know what you are talking about.

CP: What exactly are your plans for the real estate currently known as "Israel" once you clear it of all those pesky Jews?

A: Israel is an illegal state and deserves to be purged from our sacred land.

CP: Right, and then you'll do what?  Build resorts? Theme parks?  Qur'an Camps for the kids? You've done so well with the rest of the Middle East.

A: We will cleanse the land and make it pure for Islam.

CP: Sounds like heaven on Earth - aside from the car bombs, beheadings, and kidnappings and that. 

A: We do what we must.

CP: And you do it quite well might I say.  Incidently, do you feel as though there is a tight metal band around your head?

A: Excuse me?

CP: So you're the 12th Imam and endeavor to bring about the end of the world as we know it?

A: There are prophecies in which we all play a role.

CP: Have you done much market research on this plan? Seems to me it's not all that popular amongst thinking people.

A: It is not the whim of people but the will of God I obey.

CP: Right.  And it makes perfect sense that the Creator would want to obliterate His entire creation because His creatures can't seem to agree on how to spell His name? 

A: When the Holy has been made unholy by infidels, all must be cleansed.

CP: I whole heartedly agree and I think a really great place to start would be your teeth.  Have you brushed this morning?  This week?  Anytime in the last ... 

A: THAT'S IT! (President Ahmadinejad storms out of the room shouting unintelligibles in Arabic.)

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