Celebrating THE NEW Bill of Rights Day

Each year on 15 December, millions of American’s celebrate Bill of Rights Day. Well… all right. But seriously, 12/15 is Bill of Rights Day; first declared in 1941 by FDR to commemorate the 150th anniversary of the ratification of the Bill of Rights.

Originally the Framers adopted the Bill of Rights “in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its (the Constitution’s) powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.”

In other words, the Framers sought to further define the LIMITS of American governmental power so that free men might employ their individual creativity, industry, and sense of good will in pursuit of “beneficent ends” as they saw fit. This would, in the light of current political fashion, make them craven right-wing greed-crazed nut-monkeys.

Regardless, none of that matters now, for it is a new day. The free market is dead. The government of the United States is finally waking to the full realization of its awesome responsibility in the care and well-being of its people. No more of the oppression, racism, injustice, and brutality that have characterized America’s tragic story heretofore. Hope and change will end it all by ensuring the true “rights” and “beneficent ends” deserved of all Americans – nay, the entire global village!

Hence, in celebration of Bill of Rights Day 2008, we present to you: the United States of America’s NEW Bill of Rights.

Amendment I
No person shall be denied health care of any kind, any where, any time, for any reason, regardless of actual need, citizenship, or ability/willingness/intention to pay.

Amendment II
No person shall be denied a home mortgage of any kind, any where, any time, for any reason, regardless of actual need, citizenship, or ability/willingness/intention to pay.

Amendment III
No person shall be denied a personal computer and high-speed broadband Internet access regardless of actual need, citizenship, or ability/willingness/intention to pay.

Amendment IV
No business venture shall be forced to endure the humiliation of bankruptcy or foreclosure even in instances of bald-faced incompetence or immorality.

Amendment V
No person/organization/nation shall be forced to honor debts of any kind, be they incurred honorably or dishonorably, or with the slightest ability/intention of ever actually being paid.

Amendment VI
No person shall be subjected to the humiliation of earning less than a suitable “living wage” the definition of which to be determined entirely at the whim of the wage earner and his/her respective activist support network.

Amendment VII
No member of government at any level shall be held accountable for any act, ever, no matter how utterly unscrupulous or deleterious to the welfare of the United States of America, unless they be Republican.

Amendment VIII
No person at any level of income, up to and including no income whatsoever, shall be denied the means of a comfortable retirement in keeping with the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed, or to which they aspire.

Amendment IX
No person shall be denied the standard of living they feel they deserve, regardless of their willingness to undertake the activities traditionally associated with achieving it.

Amendment X
No person shall be denied Freedom from Want, a right more sacred even than those of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

With these strictures firmly enshrined in the Bill of Rights of the United States Constitution, the nation it governs will at last fulfill its promise as the all-expense-paid Carnival cruise it was intended to be. And, when the economy collapses, Americans - purged of all delusions about individualism, liberty, and personal responsibility - will be thoroughly primed for servitude at the hands of their new international feudal lords.

Cheers,

Charlie