Given that neither the Left nor Right seems particularly pleased with the performance of their respective representatives, we see this recess as a golden opportunity to increase the American people’s return on investment in their government. We have thus carefully crafted a curriculum of instruction designed to enrich their elected official’s understanding of their prescribed agendas and enhance their esteem in the eyes of their respective constituencies.
I give you, Churchill’s Parrot Summer Camp for Congress Persons.
Curriculum for Democrats:
Arm Chair Generaling – How not to sound like a complete jackass when demanding outlandish changes to military tactics. Instructor: General Wesley Clark.
Advanced Race Card Technique – Black (mail) is Beautiful! Learn to make Whitey really squirm. Instructor: The Reverend Al Sharpton.
Bush-steria Management – He’s derailed the country. Don’t let him derail your career. Get a handle on that frothing, seething hatred TODAY! Instructor: Dr. Howard Dean.
Sharia and The Constitution – Who says they’re incompatible? Instructor: Mullah Al-Shaktwhadli Muhammad bin Fasalid Dhwadeel Achmaalek Khatileed al-Sanladib
Spanish as a Second Language – Donde esta el Hispanic vote? Aqui! Aqui! Instructor: Undocumented.
Beyond Criticism – Making yourself utterly immune to any and all negative publicity. Instructor: Senator Ted Kennedy (with special guest President Bill Clinton)
Stalinism Reconsidered – The Fairness Doctrine, Universal Healthcare…it’s all within reach, we just might have to get a little ugly to see it through. Instructor: Senator Hillary Clinton
***Michael Moore Movie Marathon Mondays – Sicko, Fahrenheit 911 … all your favorites each Monday night in August!
***Alberto Gonzales Piñata Free-for-All. You won’t be able to grill him in session, but you’re free to beat the living crap out of this paper-mache likeness of the Attorney General anytime!
***Prison Ministry/Fault-Finding Mission to
Curriculum for Republicans:
Ronald Reagan: More than Just a Campaign Slogan - Will the real Reagan Republicans PLEASE stand up? Instructor: TBD
Assertiveness Training – You can do it! Learn to speak your mind and stand up for what you believe, even when people yell at you and call you a lunatic. Instructor: Cindy Sheehan
Fence Building – Design build techniques for attractive, reasonably priced, durable fencing on virtually any terrain, like say for example ALONG THE MEXICAN BORDER! Instructor: Jim Gilchrist
RINO Testing – Your father was a Republican. And his father before him. But deep down inside you’re just not so sure are you? We can help. Instructor: Trent Lott.
Media Relations – (CANCELLED)
Life After Character Assassination – Who needs a career? Who needs a reputation? Instructor(s): Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, Robert Bork.
Overcoming the Dork Thing – So what if all the beautiful people are Liberals? You can read George Will columns, understand some of what he is saying, and CONCUR with it! Instructor: Steve Forbes.
***Dinner with Ann Coulter Raffle (RINOs advised not to enter lest you BECOME dinner.)
***Theatrical presentation of Barry Goldwater’s Conscience of a Conservative
***Al Gore Impersonation Contest – Winner’s Choice: Five carbon credits or $12,000 cash!
As an additional bonus, we are offering a Surrender Prevention Program. Conducted by our friends at Families United, this program gives citizens interested in the preservation of America, her interests, and her honor an opportunity to provide intervention for those representatives especially affected by chronic surrender syndrome.
If you’d like to enroll your Representative(s) in Churchill’s Parrot Summer Camp for Congress Persons, please leave their name and contact information in the comments box. One of our Churchill’s Parrot Summer Camp for Congress Persons administrators will make arrangements for their immediate admission.