The Fairness Fairies' Tough Row to Hoe

In the name of all that is just, equal, and above all FAIR, our champions of same (i.e. the Lefties) have courageously proffered the re-instatement of the Fairness Doctrine. So doing would ensure that the rabid, blood-thirsty, hate-mongering of talk radio be always tempered by equal portions of principled Progressivism. While the Fairness Fairies were dealt a slight blow, earlier this month, they, nonetheless, persist undaunted.

Thus far, the Fairness Fairies have primarily focused their efforts on sanitizing talk radio. Recent developments, however, have brought to light the urgent need for extending the Fairness Doctrine’s glorious leveling blades deep into ALL forms of public expression.

For example, The New Republic, having published a series of utterly fabricated articles intended solely to slander the character of the United States Military , would – were the Fairness Doctrine in place – be now required to run a nice story about our men and women in uniform handing out pencils or something; possibly even a retraction of the aforementioned stories and an admission that they were penned by the editor’s seventeen year old dope supplier. (We shall not hold our breath.)

As it was, however, a vast army of Right-Wing bloggers were required to reveal that the stories were, in fact, complete and utter rubbish. While some might argue this is a good thing – the market of ideas in the hands of free people regulating itself – we see this rather as further evidence of the dire need for swift and ruthless implementation of the Fairness Doctrine.

For while it is roundly understood that Rush Limbaugh is the source of all that is evil and horrid, merely neutralizing him and his cronies will not suffice. There are magazines to monitor and regulate, thousands of them. There is television. Thousands of newspapers across the land, literally millions of blogs, billboards, direct mail, telemarketing campaigns, door-to-door advocacy groups, bumper stickers, signs on buses, aircraft banners, yard signs, table tents at restaurants, posters, flyers, pamphlets, fortune cookies, and loon-cakes walking the streets shouting their unbalanced opinions – all often going unopposed.

This will not do. Is it fair that a man on his morning commute might encounter a bumper sticker reading, “F%#$*@# BUSH!” No. Is it fair that a woman picking her children up from work might hear Sean Hannity declare, “The Fairness Doctrine is an all out affront to the First Amendment plain and simple!” No. What is wanted is a wave of the legislative wand to make all this turmoil and unfairness go away, removing forever the scourge of critical thinking from the busy personal agendas of the American people.

Fairness Fairies, it’s a big job you’ve got before you. But with your eyes on the prize of fairness (and your hands on the controls of the tank), we are confident you will succeed in restoring fairness and civility to political discourse amongst the American people, even if you have to kill every last one of them to do it.

Cheers,

Charlie