Fortunately, as Bushie and Blair have illegally wire-tapped not only every telephone in the free world but every computer as well, those of us in positions of influence within the VRWC (Vast Right Wing Conspiracy) are treated occasionally to exceptionally delicious communications. Following is one such communication, intercepted and translated June 30, 2007, hours after the third botched bombing attempt in the United Kingdom.
From: Al-Zawahiri
To: Saleed Salam al-Muqtallahd, Chief Operating Officer, Al Qaeda U.K.
My gracious brother Saleed Salam, God protect you and watch over you. May His religion, and His Book and the Sunna of His Prophet aid him, I ask the Almighty that he bless …oh sod it!
YOU MORONS! What the hell is going on over there? For the love of Sayf Kattab Al- Mahmoud, 3 - THREE - failed bombings in TWO days? I could behead myself!!! And now two of these stooges are in custody. As if it wasn’t bad enough they have crystal clear photographs of “Al-Einstein” staggering from the unexploded Mercedes #1 in which he also left his cell phone fully loaded with key incoming and outgoing phone numbers!
Do you have the slightest conception what kind of damage this does to our organization? Where, tell me, WHERE did you get these camel’s asses? Do they know how to push a button? It’s not like blowing yourself up all to hell requires a great deal of brain-power! You can’t just leave the car full of gasoline and nails parked (illegally mind you) out in the street, YOU-HAVE-TO-DETONATE-IT!!! Did you forget to share with them that little portion of the play book? Mercedes parked in the middle of a crowded London street: not terror. Mercedes exploding in the middle of a crowded London street: terror. That’s what we do: TERROR, remember?
And as for those Glasgow Goofs…I don’t even know where to start! One of them frantically pouring gasoline over his SUV and trying to light it; the other one inside, engulfed in flames like a human tiki torch … SOMEBODY GET ME SOME OPIUM! I haven’t had chest pains like these since Qu’ralid Dakshathi put pictures of a G.I. Joe doll on the internet and claimed it was a captured American soldier! It’s not like we’re battin’ 1000 lately. Were the infidel media not entirely in our back pocket, the name “Al-Qaeda” would inspire, not terror, but GALES OF LAUGHTER!!!
I am tempted to turn myself in. At Guantanamo, Osama and I’d get three square meals a day, first-rate health care, a quiet orderly environment in which to sleep and pray, a killer book deal, and best of all WE COULD TELL THE INFIDELS WHERE TO FIND ALL OF YOU SO THEY COULD ROOT YOU OUT AND SQUASH YOU LIKE THE WORTHLESS COCKROACHES YOU ARE!!! You have been warned.
In closing, I ask God entrust you all with His guardianship, providence and protection, and bless you all in your families, possessions and offspring yadaa, yadaa, yadaa…
Your “loving brother” Al-Zawahiri
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