Jun 25, 2007

Immigration Consternation

No doubt a great many of you have anxiously awaited my exceptional perspective regarding the whole illegal immigration issue, related reform bill before the United States Senate, et al. I have been silent on the issue until now for reasons which I shall explain presently.

The issue of illegal immigration presents for me one of those dreadful occasions for Conservative pundits of international acclaim such as I, where we find ourselves at polar opposites with the vast majority of our colleagues.
My disagreement is not on principle mind you; arguments to the effect that a sovereign nation – particularly the United States – has not the right to defend its borders nor its cultural infrastructures within those borders are so utterly asinine as to scarcely warrant rebuttal.

No, my disagreement stems from personal circumstances. You see, illegal immigration is my only hope. Some background. Since Sir Winston’s passing in 1965, I have dwelled in various locations in and around the area of Surrey England. Here - as inmate of first pet shop, then nursery - I have been forced to endure passively the corrosion of British culture and sensibility which the benighted giddily refer to as, “modern times.” Upon Prime Minister Blair’s recent announcement that he would be stepping down as Prime Minister, I resolved once and for all to defect to the last best hope of mankind (the United States) on the grounds of political persecution owing to the U.K.’s steady and persistent descent into Leftism.

But alas, my efforts have thus far proven in vain. My most recent discourse with the United States State Department in fact, consisted of some lackey disparaging my sanity and hanging up the phone. Thus I am left – as are evidently 12-20 million others – with no other choice than to attempt to enter and dwell in America illegally.

Therefore I am publicly making myself available to any and all media for interviews, profiles, documentaries, music videos etc. about my plight and the plight of all fowl seeking opportunity in America without having to wade through all that miserable red tape of “citizenship.” I am quite confident just one or two sob stories on my behalf – in the manner of those aired daily regarding current “undocumented citizens” in the U.S. – would put my cause over the top and me into the home of some adoring American family.
I can be quite affectionate when I choose to be, do not smell or meow, can provide hours of engaging geo-political conversation, and am willing to do the work American parrots just aren’t willing to do (so long as it doesn’t involve cleaning, cooking, child-rearing, landscaping, or most other forms of manual labor.)

If you would like to adopt me or produce a media sob-story on my behalf, please send all enquiries to my agent, Alquastria Loppingshears at: Alquastria.Loppingshears@Loppingshearspublicrelations/mediacontact~appearances/churchills.parrot//contract13582.placement/net.
We are also accepting funds. Feel free to include with the above any monetary amount (though donations over $100.00 U.S. will earn you a coveted Churchill’s Parrot bumper sticker) in support of my plight and the plight of millions of those of us denied our God-given right to fully enjoy the privileges of citizenship within the United States merely because we are not actually citizens of the United States.



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