“After my meeting with President-elect Obama, I suddenly saw the error of my ways over the past eight years, in fact, throughout my entire lifetime,” said Bush in an oddly serene voice at his press conference announcing the book deal. “Brave souls before me have tried to tell the truth about me, but my jack-booted thugs and I shut them down. It’s time the American people know the full story.”
Bush previewed many of the explosive revelations to be made in the book: his lust for alcohol and cocaine, his murderous hatred of non-whites and the indigent, his collection of Gestapo uniforms, his tragic sexual obsession with Saddam Hussein, his scheme to undermine and destroy free-market capitalism, and just what the hell he was thinking with Harriet Meyers.
“I have much to answer for and I must be brought to justice,” declared Bush. “That’s why I have agreed to turn myself and my entire administration over to an Islamic court and accept whatever verdict Sharia law deems appropriate, should President Obama’s investigations come up short.”
Bush was referring to President-Elect Obama’s recent statements about his seeking to prosecute members of the Bush administration for green-lighting torture, as well as for other crimes that took place in the Bush White House.
“What I would want to do is to have my Justice Department and my Attorney General immediately review the information that’s already there and to find out - are there inquiries that need to be pursued,” said Obama of the investigations. “I would not want my first term consumed by what was perceived on the part of Republicans as a partisan witch hunt,” added Mr. Obama in his fair, judicious, and measured way. He concluded, however, that “nobody is above the law.” [A moment of silence please.]
“I sure do appreciate President-Elect Obama hooking me up with DNC Press and world-class writers like Mikey, Ollie, and Moe,” said Bush, tears streaming down his ashen face, disfigured by the weight of his many crimes against humanity. “Lord knows I couldn’t put a decent sentence together to save my life; which is why, I suppose, I’m the fix I’m in. I’m so ashamed!”
Proceeds from the sales of Confessions of a Silver-Spooned, Alcoholic, Neo-Nazi, Greed-Crazed Mad Man: George W. Bush Comes Clean will go to the United Auto Workers bail-out fund.