National Intelligence Estimate
December 6, 2007. New York – Churchill’s Parrot Productions LLC announced plans yesterday to produce a musical stage adaptation of the recently released National Intelligence Estimate (NIE), entitled No Gays, No Jews, No Nukes.
The NIE reveals that, while it appears Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in the fall of 2003, it remains quite willing and able to resume that program at the first opportunity. Nonetheless, interpretations of the eight page report vary widely.
“The things got more qualifiers and caveats than a Clinton legal brief,” says Quentin “Daphne” de Blovianne, director of No Gays, No Jews, No Nukes. “The language is just scrumptiously non-committal and leaves a lot to the imagination. It’s just begging to be made a musical. Well now it will be!”
De Blovainne notes that while U.S. President George W. Bush saw the report as cause to stay the course in efforts to dissuade Iran from developing nuclear weapons entirely, the media interpreted it as “embarrassing” and further cause for suspicion of the Bush Administration, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed the report a “victory.”
“It’s like a poem or a song. It means something different to everyone,” observes de Blovianne. “I don’t know anything about National Intelligence, but I do know musical theater, and this baby's got blockbuster written all over it!”
The musical’s “show-stopper” according to de Blovianne is the Gershwin-esque, Remote, Very Unlikely, Unlikely, Even Chance, Probably/Likely, Very Likely, Almost Certainly which plays on the reports “Explanation of Estimative Language” section. “In terms of musical comedy, it practically writes itself,” de Blovianne gushes. “My other favorite’s a breathless little romp called The Bureaucratic Rag. The Bureaucratic Rag traces the NIE’s evolution through request committees, proposal committees, concept committees, draft committees, critique committees, review committees (including the Directors of the National Clandestine Service, the NSA, the NGA, the DIA, and the Assistant Secretary/INR),and finally presentation to the President and senior policymakers. “It’s like My Fair Lady meets Waiting for Godot,” says de Blovianne. “To-die-for funny!”
The musical’s title - No Gays, No Jews, No Nukes - refers to Ahmadinejad’s previous declarations that there are no homosexuals in Iran, the Jewish homeland ought be wiped off the face of the earth, and that he has no interest in developing nuclear weapons, a claim he insists is validated by the 2007 NIE.
The Ahmadinejad Administration responded to news of the production through a prepared statement. “His Excellency applauds this celebration of Bush’s shame, discredit, and utter humiliation,” read the statement. “Being a big fan of musical theater he would love to see it. Unfortunately, as it will likely be produced by Jews and cast almost entirely with homosexuals, this will not be possible.”
No Gays, No Jews, No Nukes is expected to debut Al Qods Day (October) 2008.
Via his web log, http://www.churchillsparrot.com/, Charlie, Sir Winston’s 107 year old pet parrot, endeavors to reinvigorate flagging Western Civilization through regular injections of the Churchillian spirit, so desperately lacking in the enfeebled, addle-brained “culture” left us in the wake of the 1960’s.